Vulnerability & Shame
Hey, hey ladies. How are you today? I am coming to you with a little bit of a different energy today. I, um, just attended a funeral for somebody that has been in my life just from an acquaintance standpoint and, um, I didn't really know anyone there. I just wanted to go and pay my respects and it hit me a little bit harder than I expected it to. I, uh, I know his daughter. And I know what it's like to lose a father. And I grieved for her. And so I'm still feeling a little bit tender. I'm still feeling a little, a little sad. So the energies in today's podcast might be a little bit different. But it's kind of suiting because today we're talking about vulnerability and shame. And for some of you even just the mention of the word shame could be a triggering topic. So I just want to remind you that this series, this vulnerability series is me sharing with you, my journey through these emotions and just opening up and being vulnerable. And my hope is that you feel connected. But you feel like you're not alone. So if shame to you has a different meaning than it does to me. That's okay, too. All right.
You guys, episode number 42. Here we go. Let's start out with just defining shame. So again, Google's, right. That's where I like to go, it says a painful emotion caused by consciousness of guilt shortcoming or impropriety. And to me, shame very much has to do with feeling like I haven't shown up in a way that I'm proud of. I've done something that I am ashamed of, that I feel guilty about. There are a lot of experiences in my life where I have felt shame but I don't think I even realized what it was until more recently until I started doing work on being aware of my emotions. I knew what it was to feel guilty. I knew when I had done something that I wasn't supposed to, I don't know about you guys, but as a teenager, I, um, you know, there we go. Are you guys ready? All of my skeletons coming out of the closet.
When I was a teenager, there were a few times in my teenage hood that I stole and whether it was money from my mom or something from a store or didn't return something to a friend or from a house that I was babysitting at. And, you know, it's funny because now 25 years later, I still remember those moments. And I can feel the shame. They don't leave you. When you do something that, you know, isn't right. When you hurt somebody purposefully. When you take something that isn't yours. I feel like those moments stick with you and now I can be compassionate to myself and I can say to myself, hey girl it's all right. It's because you have empathy and a conscience that you feel that way. It is good that you feel guilty and ashamed of those actions. Part of me wishes that I could go back and apologize to anyone that I've ever hurt or ever bullied or ever stolen from, right. And most of those people probably wouldn't even remember the moment or they wouldn't even know that it had happened. I'd be doing it completely for me. So instead, what I've been working on is forgiving myself for saying, hey you didn't know any better. But you do now. And you can make better decisions going forward and you can treat people better moving forward. And you can be the best human you can be, moving forward. And that is all you can do because we can't change the past. One of my coaches said to me once. Um, When you argue with your past, you lose a hundred percent of the time. And coming to terms with what is and what I've done. And the actions that have molded me into the human that I am today. Being okay and forgiving myself for them is how I process the shame. I want to talk to you guys about a more recent experience that I had with shame. And, uh, I'm going to, I'm just going to tell the whole story in detail. So my husband and I have been training our puppy. And, um, we found a training center that is a higher-end training center and it is expensive and they offer one-on-one training and we signed up and the first package we bought was a six session package. It was the basic training package. They let us know that we'd be working with a specific trainer who was really good and would be progressive with our dog. On the first day when we showed up to training, the trainer that we had originally been assigned to wasn't there. And the girl that was there told us that she was an apprentice and just learning. She had been certified, but she hadn't started training yet. And she was there just to learn. And she didn't know where our trainer was and he never showed up. So we worked with her that day. And my ego which we talked about last week. I don't know if it was even an ego thing, And I don't know if it was because she told us that she was new. I think I would have noticed it anyway, but my personality and my energy was more dominant than hers was. And there were certain things that I've learned about training dogs, whether it has been through books or YouTube or me training dogs in the past that I was aware of. Anyway, I don't know if you guys can get the gist of what I'm going through, but she was doing the best she could in the situation. She didn't know where her instructor was, and she was trying to help us train our puppy. And then there was me that was trying to train her to train us to train our puppy. At the end of the session. I asked her if we'd be working with the more advanced trainer for the remainder of our sessions. And she had said we would be, that she'd find out where he went and he'd make sure he was there at the next session. So I left it alone. I didn't send an email in, I didn't say anything. And then the second session I was out of town. So my husband went and took our puppy in. Afterwards I asked him how it went and he said, Billy , good. And I asked if the advanced trainer had been there and he said, no, it was just the apprentice again. And I could feel it. You know that like a little annoyed feeling that I thought of, I paid for an experienced trainer. And that's not what I'm getting. My husband was fine with it. He had a great experience. He understood that basic training and foundational training is repeating the same thing over and over and over again and had no issue with it. But me, me and my ego had an issue with it. Anyways, head forward a week. We went once a week. The third session we showed up and I had a little talk with myself ahead of time. And I said, I was really going to be open to, you know, if it was just the apprentice to just, you know, being easy, going and learning from her not having super high expectations, which I'm known to have super high expectations of myself and the people that I hire. So, anyway, we went and it was just her. And I had noticed that the advanced trainer's name had been taken off of the board beside our training classes so I went in really open-minded. We had moved the training from inside, outside where there were more distractions. I was like, okay, this might be good. We went through the first half of the session and our puppy was doing really well. Dude was a fast learner, he picks things up quickly and by halfway through the session, I was bored. And I could tell that to my dog. I was bored. And so I asked the trainer, I was like, hey, like, could we learn something new? Could we maybe mix it up a little bit? We've been doing the same for commands over and over again, just switching up between me and my husband. And this trainer had a more passive personality to me and I could tell that personality was a little bit dominating to her and she was a little bit intimidated by me. And what she said was. This is what I know or something like that. She said, this is all I know or something like that. Anyway, I acted in a way that I wasn't proud of. I basically said we need someone who knows more. I said can we make sure that there is a more advanced trainer at our next session. And she kind of turned and walked away. You could tell that she didn't know how to respond to me. And, uh, so I said, I didn't feel like I was being passive aggressive, but in hindsight, you know, hindsight being 2020. It may have come off passive aggressively. I said, you know, I can email the owner And put that request in, if it's too much for you to ask. Anyway, we get to the main door of the dog kennel. And the owner is there. So we had a talk and I told her how I was feeling and that I felt that what we paid for was not what we were receiving and that I was dissatisfied. And my husband was very embarrassed. And the owner's husband was there and he's one of the master trainers of the facility and he stepped in and he said, I'll take over the training and this freaked me out. You guys, I was like, he is going to come down so hard on me. I'm going to get bullied so hard by those guy. Anyway, we went home that day and I felt ashamed. I literally crawled into bed. And I spent the next four hours in bed vibrating with the emotion of shame because I didn't show up and ask for what I wanted. I skirted around the outsides of it and did it in a very passive, aggressive way. And then when I was telling the owner that I wasn't satisfied. I felt like I was kind of having a temper tantrum and stomping my feet a little bit, when I got home. I looked at the situation and I was like, Lylas you could have handled that better. There were gentler ways to do that. There were more assertive, more efficient, kinder ways to do that. And I was really ashamed of myself. I was like, I thought we knew better than this. I thought we behaved better than this. But I let myself just sit and shame. I stayed in bed. I cried a little bit. I vibrated a little bit. I stayed fasted. I didn't eat, my husband wasn't quite sure what to do with me. I think he was a little ashamed of me too. And then I forgave myself. I had a little journaling session and I was like, Hey, what did we learn from this? How would we have preferred to show up? What could we do differently next time? Right, next time I pay for something and I don't feel like I'm getting what I paid for. I'll say something right away. And I'll send it in an email or say it in a way that has been purposefully created with consciousness and kindness, right. I won't wait and bottle it up and then let it explode out from an emotional place. I can do it from a place of maturity. So, after I forgave myself and decided that I did the best I could in the situation and I could do better next time. The next day, I went back to that dog kennel to drop my puppy off for daycare. And the owner and her husband were there at the front desk and I apologized to them. I said, hey I am not proud of the way that I acted yesterday. I'm so sorry. That I showed up in a passive aggressive way. That is not who I am. And I'm really excited to be working with you for the remainder of our training sessions. And I felt a little bit lighter when I left. And then a few days later, I went back to drop dude off for daycare a second time. And the trainer that we had been working with, the apprentice trainer was there. And I said to her, I said her name. And when she looked up and looked me in the eye. I said, hey I'm sorry. I should not have acted and treated you the way I did. I'm ashamed of my behavior. It's not who I am. And I'll do better. I hope that you continue to work with us. And when I left. I felt a little bit better. And so fast forward a few weeks now we've been working with the master trainer. And dude is doing amazing and he has taught us so much, he confirmed what I had been feeling which is Dude and us as dudes owners are training at an advanced level and we learn quickly and we're ready for new things every week. And he's giving us new things and he's giving me tools and things to research and videos to watch so that I can learn more. Unfortunately the apprentice never came back to training. And I'm sorry that I wasn't able to create a new relationship with her. But at the end of the day, I'm proud of myself for sticking up for what we wanted, I call it advocating for yourself when you don't feel like you're getting the service you deserve or the attention you deserve, whether it be from a medical practitioner or from an employee or from your boss, right? It goes both ways or from someone that you've hired to do a job. This is something that I teach my clients to do. I see a lot of people who don't self advocate because they don't want to create conflict. Maybe they order something from a restaurant and it doesn't come out right. And they say, oh, it's not a problem. Maybe they order a drink and they don't like it. And they're like, ah, it's fine. Right. You don't speak up. And this is something that I've learned to lean into being uncomfortable and asking for what I want. And speaking up when I'm not satisfied or not happy with the product or service I get ,in this case as much as I am ashamed of how I showed up and how I acted to get to the final result. I'm glad that I did speak up. I know I could have done it better, but the end result is that we got the service that I had originally wanted and that I had to pay for.
So, the moral of the story. The lesson that I learned is you can self advocate in a way that is kind and mature and assertive. You don't have to do it from a place of immaturity and temper tantrums and passive aggressiveness. So for all my ladies out there. If you notice that you feel shame about something you've done recently or way back then. I want you to try something for me. I want you to pull out a piece of paper. And I want you to write a letter to the person who you wronged. Tell them what you want to tell them, tell them you apologize. Tell him all the things you need to say. You don't ever have to send that letter. But just get it all out. Get that energy and that emotion and those words out. If you need to cry, cry. And then forgive yourself. And maybe what this looks like is you writing a letter back to you? In the words of that person or just from you, from your future self, from who you are now. And you can forgive your past self for her wrongs, for things that she did, that she didn't know better at the time. And then let it go and decide not to be ashamed anymore.
All right, ladies, that's what I have for you in today's episode, vulnerability and shame. I'll see you next week for the next episode and the vulnerability series have a fantastic week my friends. Bye for now.
