#47 - Vulnerability & Trauma
Hey, hey ladies. Welcome to Lady Sculpt Lifestyles, episode number 47. You guys, it's almost the end of July. And summer is like here in full sway, it's like 30 something degrees outside. And I am recording this episode in the middle of the afternoon. And it is hot. I've got my office door open. The air conditioner is in the other room and I'm hoping that the cool breeze makes its way over here. So I'm not sweating at the end of this episode. How are you guys doing? Are you enjoying your summer? I hope so. I'm super excited going into August. I am really excited about the next few episodes and I'm excited about them for different reasons, the vulnerability series, just as a reminder, for those who are new to the podcast or those who, you know, are just jumping back into it. I am doing a 10 part episode series on vulnerability and this series is for me, I'm doing this for selfish reasons because I'm exploring my own emotional vulnerability right now. I am deep diving into somatic therapy and different ways of healing. And I wanted to do it openly and in a way that could help other women, because it took me until I was almost 40 to even realize that this work existed and that it was so needed.
And this episode, episode number 47 is vulnerability and trauma. And trauma is a word that I avoided for so many years. In the next few episodes, I'm going to talk more about my origin story and. what I went through as a young child. I have spent most of my life pushing and resisting against it and trying to overcome it in a way that wasn't healing for me. I was fighting and trying to get other people to change rather than looking into myself out what I need to feel better and to grow and to start the healing process. just in the last year, I've allowed myself to open up to the idea. That I have trauma and even to saying that is hard and the more that I've studied trauma and the more I've read about trauma, especially early life trauma. The more, I realize you guys, that all of us, every single human has their own personal traumatic experiences, and has their own trauma to overcome. And it made me so compassionate to all the humans, the more I research. And the more I learn about myself and the more I forgive myself and I am more compassionate to myself, the more compassion I have for the people around me as well. So I want to talk a little bit about my personal trauma and again, I know every single person who's listening to this has their own experiences and we all go through it and it's not about. Who's been through. What in comparing stories and feeling bad for each other. It's more about understanding. Why we are the way we are and how we can take our weaknesses and turn them into our strengths and how we can be compassionate when someone shows up in a relationship with us in a way that isn't healthy to what they've been through. And understand that it may not be who they are. It's just their reaction state because of what they have been through. So when I look back on my life, the trauma that I've spent the most time working on is abandonment trauma, which I think so many of us go through. So I was adopted and I'm going to tell my story next week in episode 48, but I was adopted within the family. So I was raised within the same family. And so when I did the research on adoption trauma and the feelings that most adoptees go through, I could relate, but there were a lot of adoptee characteristics that I also didn't really relate to. And so the more I studied it, the more I realized that what was true for me was that I had this sense of being excluded of not fitting in through most of my life. And I actually started journaling and writing about it and the way that I described it, as I feel like I'm in a room, looking out a window at my life happening and everyone else is, Uh, on the other side of that window, having a life. And I'm part of it, I'm watching it. I'm there, but I'm not there. I'm on the other side of the window. And it always felt like I didn't quite fit in and I couldn't quite be myself and I never quite knew what to say, and I didn't even know what my opinion was or what I liked or what I could add to conversations and the more research I've done, the more I realized that that is such a characteristic of the trauma that I went through as a young child because I was never really allowed to be my full self. And I'm going to talk to you guys a little bit about this. So because I was adopted within the family, I was raised by my biological aunt. And my biological mother went on to have children. So I found it at a very young age that I was adopted. So I knew from like the age of two that I had siblings and I don't think I really understood it until I was a little bit older, but especially, you know, from the age of four or five, six, I recognized that I had younger half-brothers. And something that I really yearned for as a child was siblings. I was raised as an only child which, you know, has its perks. I didn't have to share a bathroom, right? I was very much not hit upon. And I was raised by a mother who wanted me so much, I was so loved. And I'm so grateful for that and it definitely has a huge part to do with the way I am now. But what happened to me was that, I voiced my story to my half siblings when they were quite young, they were two years and four years younger than me and then kept going. And I was rejected at that time, I was Uh, my younger siblings went on to ask their mother, my biological mother about it. And they were told that I was confused. I was told that I was confused. I was told that that wasn't quite right. And I recognize now that it wasn't about me. It was about my biological mom and her way of coping and her way of handling the situation. And it was an agreement between my biological mom and my adopted mom. But for me as a little girl, I felt confused and rejected and fear and those feelings embedded deeply into who I became. You guys, this is some serious vulnerability here. All right. And that's the work that I'm doing now going back and listening to that little girl and giving her affirmation and validation. And. Oh, you guys. Okay. I promise after episode 49, I won't cry on the podcast for a while. Okay.
We'll get it back into the fun stuff but this work, you guys is part of it. It's part of life and evolving and becoming your next self and understanding who you are in the deepest sense and why you are the way you are. So the work that I'm doing now, both with my somatic therapist and just on my own is a lot of inner child work. Recognizing some of the characteristics and personality traits and responses, emotional responses that I have to the people in my life, my husband, my friends, my clients, just the people I interact with on a day to day basis. And understanding why I show up the way I do, why I’m typically hurt when I'm misunderstood or when somebody cancels on me and knowing that it has nothing to do with them. And it's me and it's work that I need to do and being able to hold space for myself and give myself the time and the compassion and the space to heal. And I don't know if trauma is something that we will ever overcome a hundred percent. I think we become more resilient. And I think that it helps us grow and become more complex human beings. I think that the more we dissect and peel back the layers of who we are and focus on healing and moving forward from it from a place of compassion and forgiveness, I think the more we're willing to risk and put ourselves out there and be loved, right. I feel like if we hide from our trauma and if we pretend it doesn't exist, which is what I did for so many years. You guys, we end up being a version. We ended up showing up as a version of ourselves that isn't authentic. I spent so many years pretending I was okay. Pretending that it didn't hurt, putting on upfront, I have the strength and what I noticed in strength is on the outside, people thought I was strong and had it all together. And they admired me and looked up to me and on the inside, I was fragile and tender and scared that they would find out the truth. There was always this underlying feeling of impostor syndrome. And it was because I wasn't being authentic to myself or to the people around me. I was pretending that there wasn't trauma. I wasn't dealing with it. And I spent most of my twenties and thirties avoiding any kind of self-help. I didn't like the term self-help. I still don't super care for it. I prefer the term personal development, But when I opened up to the idea that. Hey, maybe there was trauma there. And that trauma was from a really young age. So there wasn't really a pre-trauma self. When you have trauma at a very young age, whether it be sexual trauma or separation trauma or physical trauma, or, you know, the list goes on and on. There's so many ways, when I looked up trauma in the Googles, you guys, the dictionary says a deeply distressing or disturbing experience.
So I think trauma is something that we aren't emotionally prepared to handle. So, for anyone out there who is feeling like you have personal trauma for any reason, or you just don't feel like you're quite in line with who you are. Maybe you don't feel like you're authentic you, and you're not quite sure why. I highly recommend talking to someone about it. There are so many amazing websites out there with counselors and psychologists. I found it an amazing somatic therapist on the psychology today, website who's just down the street from my house. And somatic therapy is the combination of counseling services and energy healing together because for me, I really had a very good mental grasp on what I had been through and I understood that it was traumatic. And I knew that I didn't want it to be blamed and I didn't want to hold anger. But my body wouldn't release it. When I thought about my childhood, I felt angry and fearful and confused. I still felt all those emotions in my body and it was affecting me. It was affecting how I showed up in my work and it was affecting my physical health. So I recognized that I needed to do some body work. And it's some of the best work I've ever done for myself. I highly recommend there is no shame. In seeking help. Finding someone to talk to and talk therapy or looking into somatic therapy or movement therapy. We have some fantastic resources and alternative forms of therapy now that are changing lives. I also want to recommend a few books that I found extremely helpful. The first one. Um, I finished reading a couple of months ago. It's called what happened to you? It's a book by Bruce Perry and Oprah Winfrey, and it was one of the first books I read on childhood trauma that wasn't directly linked to adoptee childhood trauma. It really helped me understand young childhood trauma and different forms of childhood trauma and how it showed up in us as adults later on. It changed the way that I looked at myself and at all the other humans, it really helped me understand that all of us are moving through this human experience, having traumatic experiences along the way and it's part of it. It's part of us learning and growing and developing more resiliency. I love the title of this book. What happened to you? Changed how I look when I see somebody who is struggling now, I don't judge them. And instead, I think I wonder what happened to them. I wonder what they've been through that has brought them to this point. And it helps me to be in a state of compassion for them rather than a state of judgment and I'm so grateful for that gift.
There's also a part in this book that empowered me from a place of being traumatized and it, they talk in this book about post traumatic wisdom. I'd never heard that term before. And what post-traumatic wisdom is, is the resiliency and the wisdom that people who have been through very traumatic experiences have when they have to continue to go, continue to live and continue to deal with life, post trauma. It helped me to feel stronger because of what I went through rather than weakness, because of what I went through. And I'm grateful for that so I highly recommend that book, it's available on the Amazons.
The second book I want to share with you as a book that I'm reading right now. A girlfriend of mine recommended it to me and I'm, she actually recommended it to me twice before I bought it. And I'm so glad that she pushed. And recommended it the second time, because since I started reading this book, I have not been able to put it down. I'm already planning on reading it a second time. And I've probably recommended it to about a hundred people. It is called Becoming The One. I'm going to slaughter the author's name here,it's Sheleana Aiyana, I believe is the author and she's the founder of rising women, which is a fantastic community and resource to women who are going through trauma and this book I hold it so close to my heart because the author is also an adoptee who had early childhood trauma. And this is one of my new favorite books. Not only because the storyline is so parallel to mine, but also because this author writes in a way that helps you self heal and self coach. Every chapter in this book has an exercise or a ceremony or a meditation. Uh, or a guided journaling that are designed to help you heal. Becoming The One is about not only healing your past and transforming your relationship patterns, but also finding out who you are and becoming the one person you need to take care of and heal yourself. And I love it. I love books. You guys that are self-teaching and self-correcting, that's how I like to coach as well. Right. I like to give you guys the process of doing it, not just the answer. So I highly recommend that book. I'm reading it now and doing a lot of highlighting and marginal note-taking. And just allowing myself to ease into some of the practices. Naturally, I have a lot of resistance to meditation, to sitting quietly, to being with my own brain and to being open to feeling hard, negative, painful feelings. And this book asks us to do a lot of that. So right now I am reading it, opening my brain up to the idea of doing it. I'm noticing when feelings come up, when I'm triggered, when my inner child comes out I am starting to move towards some of the suggestions and the different exercises and the ways to listen and converse with my inner child and my emotions, and just be open and present with them. And I'm planning to read the book again, doing all of the exercises and all of the things that are suggested in there this fall. So, if you want to pick up either of those books. And then you want to have a bit of a book club with me. I've invited a few of my friends to read the books and book club with me afterwards. I love reading books with my clients or my friends, and then having conversations about the book. It's something that I'm actually looking at, adding into Lady Sculpt, going into 2023 is a book club portion of it. Just because I think there's so much we can learn from sharing our experiences and sharing insights together. That's when we have the most opportunity to connect and to grow.
All right. So I wanted to say this at the beginning of the podcast, and I totally forgot about it, but I had so many of you reach out to me after the last episode on vulnerability and grief. And I just want you guys to know that I love hearing from you. I love getting emails and Facebook messages and Instagram messages, PMs. And for my ladies in Lady Sculpt.I love knowing that you are on the other side of this podcast and that what I am opening up and sharing with you is resonating and if it's not resonating, it's okay. This may not be your time to go through the emotional vulnerability series, but maybe, you know, five years from now, or maybe someone, you know, is going through something and this might be very helpful to them. So even if the last seven episodes haven't really resonated with you. Just keep them in your back pocket for someone in your life that maybe. Just maybe they need to know that they're not alumnus because I'm a big believer that at some point in our human life, we all go through the heart stuff. And it's way easier to go through the hard stuff with others rather than feeling like you're all alone. And I recognize that by me sharing my stories with you guys and opening up and being vulnerable and putting it all out there. That not only am I creating more resiliency within myself, but I hopefully, Um, encouraging and inspiring you to do the same thing whether it be opening up to talking to somebody or to reading a book or even just opening up to going into yourself into those dark hidden spots that you haven't wanted to look at for years. And just allowing yourself to breathe some life into them. Recognizing that you are a hundred percent worthy and a hundred percent lovable and a hundred percent human. And everything that us humans go through can make us stronger and more resilient and more compassionate. It's episode number 47. I hope you'll join me next week for episode number 48. See you in August. Bye for now.
